THE CHOICE IS ALWAYS OURS

Our lives can be described as an encounter with the world around us, encompassing everything and anything – people, culture, environment, ideas, emotions, and all the “stuff of life”.  It is our nature to try and understand and find our place in all of this, and we do this in one of two ways: analytically with our heads, or emotionally with our hearts.  Neither is right or wrong.  They are simply two ways of experiencing the same thing.  So when I feel the need to reach out to God, I can do so without confining him to my imagination.  In my heart he becomes real.  And this experience is not diminished or negated when intellectually I express my doubts and dis-beliefs. 

It may all be a bit schizophrenic, but it seems to work.

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LOVE & FRIENDSHIP

Friendships, like family bonds, are all different.   Some are casual and occasional while others are strong and intense, each serving a purpose or filling a need.  There are friends whose company we enjoy because they are fun and make us laugh.  There are others who share our interests in work or play with whom we can commiserate, and there are those with whom we share our souls.

Every friendship is a precious gift, to be valued and nurtured, whether it is casual, intense, occasional, or constant.

We all have friends whom we consider to be best friends; those special relationships that transcend explanation and withstand all tests of time and distance.  They are rare and should be cherished and protected.  These are the people that have the potential to affect the way we view the world and/or influence our behavior.

Occasionally we find ourselves diametrically opposite to a dear friend on some major issue - political, social, spiritual, or otherwise.  That is when we discover the strength of those bonds that are so difficult to describe; the friendship trumps all the differences.

Consciously or unconsciously, friends strive to make one another feel good about themselves, casting each other in a positive light, offering encouragement, support, and when needed, defense.

I am realizing now that the distinction I’ve held between friendship and love is arbitrary and invalid.  The two are one in the same, and I am chagrined that it has taken me this long to learn that.

There is a line in the song, What a Wonderful World, that goes like this: “I see friends shaking hands, saying how do you do? They’re really saying, I love you.” Wouldn’t it me nice if we treated everyone like a friend?

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LOVE-MARRIAGE-FAMILY

Love between a man and a woman is an illogical, irrational phenomenon that is far beyond my ability to describe or explain.  I would strongly recommend the seventh letter in Rilke’s Letters to a Young Poet. (I recommend that you read all of those letters.)  Having said this let me offer just a few observations on the subject.

Love is hard work.  Falling in love can be quite easy; it is maintaining that love that demands our time and energies.  Don’t expect it just to happen; people can change in significant ways over the years, and if left unattended, love can be victimized by these changes.

Love should be gracious and spacious, allowing ample room for individual growth. One of the most important responsibilities in a loving relationship is to enable one another to become the person they are intended to be.   Love exists for us to serve others, not for us to be served. 

This is not without some risk.  One partner may out grow the other, but there is a greater risk both to the person and the marriage if growth is stifled. 

There is absolutely no place in love for oppression, and restriction.  To love someone is not to possess them.

Apply these same principles to your relationship with your children.  Respect and trust your child for the individual person that he or she is.  Drench them with love, guide them with a consistent but light hand, allowing   them to make mistakes.  They will anyway, and it is always easier for them if they can count on your love, understanding, and forgiveness.

Love does not preclude other significant relationships.  One person cannot be expected to be everything to the other.  A strong, loving relationship is not threatened by other relationships.

You can never say, “I love you” too often or too loud.

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PRIDE & HUMILITY

Pride and humility, when misplaced and/or excessive, are undesirable and to be avoided.  But when appropriate, they reflect strength of character and self-assurance.

Be proud of who you are.  Be proud of  your gifts, and your dreams.  To claim your destiny and pursue your dreams, unafraid and trusting, is an act worthy of pride.  Pride in yourself, as a creation of God, and the souls that have gone before you is an act of worship.

Paradoxically, acknowledging the source of your gifts is an act of humility.

It is proper to be proud of your commitment and your efforts to become all that you could be, just as it is proper to acknowledge that many of the resources you possess to make this journey possible were gifts to you.  Be proud of your accomplishments and humbled by what has been given to you.

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   CARE ABOUT OTHERS

Your relationship with others will be as varied as the people you encounter and will be determined by many factors, not the least of which will be your own personality and psychological style.  But regardless of who and what you are, there are certain basic tenets that I would urge you to follow.

Be respectful of others, regardless of their position in our socioeconomic conscious society.  Be your real self with both the room maid and the hotel manager.

Be tolerant of ideas, beliefs, and behavior that differ from yours; no one has a monopoly on the truth.

With grace forgive the weaknesses of others and do not judge what you may perceive to be their shortcomings.

Forgive first offenses.  Overlook minor slights.

Enable and nurture; be one who helps other achieve their own selfhood.  Act in such a way that others will feel better for knowing you.

Be honest toward others.  Do not present yourself to be other than who you are.  And do not deceive or use others to achieve your own way or goals.

Be gracious and humble about your own accomplishments and success and be mindful of those blessings you have been given.  You did nothing to be born into a loving and supportive family and to have the economic advantages so many others lack.  Do not be so quick to take credit for what you perceive are you own accomplishments, more often than not there were many forces not of your own doing, that helped shape them.

Do not take credit for God’s grace.

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LIVE LIFE FROM THE INSIDE OUT

Only by looking inward can you navigate the world around you without being overcome by the forces of conformity, custom, convention, expectations of others and tradition, all of which may be directing you away from the paths of your choice.  It is very easy to follow a course that may be popular, well thought of by others, and free of risk and stress.  But if it is not your path, your direction, or your call, it will lead you nowhere.  Ultimately there is only your self to answer to.

The journey inward is not a call to self-absorption and narcissism, but a preparation for the journey outward.  Only by serving ourselves can we effectively serve others.  There are those who belittle or criticize self-reflection unjustly, probably because they lack the courage to do so themselves.  But in all things, there can be excess, using the inward journey to avoid the external world, or becoming obsessed and blinded by your own impressions of yourself.  Against this you must guard.

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FIND GOD

This task will be as difficult or as easy as you make it.  Life is the ultimate mystery, and the best we can do is approach it as such, accepting the fact that we have to settle for that which we intuit, or sense, as long as it is intellectually acceptable.

God deserves more from us than a theological doctrine with “answers” to all of our questions.  God must be experienced!  Do not settle for the God of your parents, or their parents, or the God of any church or dogma, but seek the God that you can find and know, and believe, and nothing less.  God is not a science, and we don’t need  “answers”; we can live with the mystery and the questions.

You are God’s creation...respect that creation and you worship God, far more than you could with any service or pageantry or other public utterances.

Do not be discouraged by spiritual tides that will wash away your faith as easily as they bring it.  Your faith may be eroded, but somehow, in the course of a lifetime, the core of your faith will survive.

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SEEK SOLITUDE

The world is a noisy place.  The constant buzz and activity of everything around us often prevents us from hearing the quiet songs within us.  Create time for yourself, quiet time when you can think, read, reflect, pray, or simply be, and enjoy the stillness of your soul.  There are no formulas setting out times and frequency, you decide for yourself how, when, and where, knowing that it will be a constantly evolving process.

Sometimes our greatest work is conceived in times like this…when it appears we are “doing nothing”.

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NURTURE YOUR MIND AND SOUL

Sometimes we need all the help we can get in the pursuit of our dreams and aspirations, especially when they take us into unfamiliar places, and that support can often be found in the world around us.

Avail yourself of those activities and experiences that provide inspiration and stimulation.  Read books and journals, listen to music, travel, visit with friends, and pursue everything and anything else that inspires your mind and heart and is affirming to those dreams.  It may be as simple as quietly listening to your favorite music, or as involved as a weekend away to some special place.  You will recognize what it is that makes you feel alive and centered, and whatever that is, it is worthy of your time and attention.  Such small endeavors can provide critical support for great work.

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TRUST YOUR INSTINCTS

When confronted with a choice between your head and your heart, and both appear to be of the same weight, choose your heart. 

Soon after I opened my first medical practice I was caring for a patient in the hospital who was quite ill.  She was a very old woman whom I had treated in the clinic during my days as a medical resident.  We had established a mutual fondness and respect for one another, and she became my private patient.  Her condition was terminal, and on rounds one morning we talked about her imminent death.  Like so many others in her position, she was not afraid to die.  As I prepared to leave I wanted to kiss her cheek, but didn’t, because I thought it was not what a “doctor” should do.  That night she died, and I never saw her again, and I promised myself that with few exceptions, I would never let my head over ride my heart again.

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BE PATIENT WITH THE IMPORTANT THINGS IN YOUR LIFE

Learn to trust the inner “timer” that will guide you through paths and transitions even before you become aware of them.  Some things need time to gestate, to grow and mature before coming into being; these may be ideas, plans, projects, or whatever.  Pamper and nurture them. Do not give up on something that is not as immediate as you think it should be.  A more patient part of you may recognize that the time and circumstances are not yet right.  Worthwhile ideas and plans will not abandon you.  Those that do fade away were not meant to be.

The same is true for the doubts and questions that always seem to find their way into our minds, sometimes in astounding abundance.  Rilke said it best when he wrote, “have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language. Don’t search for the answers, which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them.  And the point is, to live everything.  Live the question now.  Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer.” *

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LEARN TO RECOGNIZE THE EBB & FLOW OF YOUR LIFE

The cliché, “Go with the flow”, is not without some wisdom.  The human psyche is subject to the same cyclic or periodic variations that are so evident in the world around us; we all experience the ups and downs in our emotional life with varying regularity, sometimes predictable and some times not.  By learning to listen to yourself you can begin to recognize similar patterns as they effect all aspects of your emotional and spiritual life...enthusiasm, sadness, the availability of creative energy, ambition, imagination, etc.  Knowing this, you can avoid wasting a great deal of time and energy trying to work against the tide, waiting instead for a more receptive time.

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REMAIN OPEN TO CHANGE - DO NOT BE AFRAID

Be open to new ideas and new directions and don’t be afraid of change.  What is right for you now may not be so tomorrow.  Don’t allow yourself to be trapped or locked into circumstances that you know are wrong for you.  Sometimes the forces aligned against you to change or move on will be extremely powerful and resourceful, but never invincible.  The windows of opportunity may be small and fleeting.  Sometimes it will take all of your self-reliance and courage to move through those windows, but you can do it.  Do not be afraid!  If there is one lesson for you to learn now it should be this...do not be afraid of who and what you are, and what you are called to become.  Don’t be afraid of change, remember, it is your world.

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YOU ARE THE CENTER OF THE UNIVERSE

Well, not really, but you are the center of your universe.  The world you know is seen only through your eyes.  Words, images, and sounds are filtered through your consciousness and your heart.  Your are the master of your universe, a responsibility you may choose to share, to the extent possible, with others close to you.

Ask yourself, what kind of world do you want for yourself, your family, and those you love, and then set out to create that world.

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CLAIM YOUR DESTINY

You have a personal destiny.  Everyone does, but only a few have the wisdom and courage to recognize and claim their own.  Molded in part by the souls that have come before you, it is uniquely yours, and it is your task to identify, own, and nurture this destiny.  Do not allow yourself to be distracted by self-doubt, false modesty, or a misguided sense of responsibility and/or obligation.  Only you can determine what is best for you.  Only you can establish the agenda for yourself and select the paths to be followed.

Do not forsake your dreams.  No dream is too big or too small.  If you believe that something is possible, then it may become a reality.  If you don’t think it is possible, then it is likely it never happen.  Trust yourself, and you can create opportunities to give life to any dream.

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THE CHOICE IS YOURS

    The choice is always ours.  Then let me choose the longest art,

    The hard Promethean way, cherishingly, to tend and feed and fan

    That inward fire, whose small precarious flame, kindled or quenched,

    Creates the noble or ignoble men we are,

    The worlds we live in and the very fates,

    Our bright or muddy stars. *

    *Aldous Huxley

Our lives are a series of choices, usually far more then we appreciate.  The fortunate person is one who recognizes the choices, and has the courage and the will to make the choices they desire, regardless of the difficulty and risk.  Windows of opportunities will exist, often quite fleetingly, and often, the greater the opportunity the smaller the window. 

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 TO MY CHILDREN

 In your lifetime you will come to know and learn much, incorporating data from countless hours of listening, reading, and observing that will be rationally filtered and tucked away to become part of who you are.  But there is another way of knowing, one that takes root in the heart and not the mind, a sense of knowing felt deeply within your self.  It may come to you directly, out of the blue with no previous inclination of such, or it may be something you have acknowledged in your head, but suddenly experience at another level in a classic” Eureka moment”.

I want to share with you what I have learned at that deeper level in the course of my lifetime, knowledge gathered from many sources and validated by experience; knowledge that has enriched my life.  You will read these words, but only when they reach your heart, when you truly know them through your own experience will they provide you with wisdom to navigate your own journey.

I am not so presumptuous to believe that I am the only one who can tell you of these matters.  You will read and hear from others much wiser and learned than me.  And of course you will live through your own experiences, folding into your own body of wisdom that which you choose.  I write this because I have often been helped by the words of others, and perhaps, in some way, these words will help you.