NOTES FROM THE EIGHTH DECADE #15

FOOD

August 2013

In this time of so much change I now realize there is one that I would like to see happen, and that is my relationship with food. Over the past several years the mirror has faithfully reflected – almost gleefully - my ever-expanding waistline. The effects from this aging phenomenon are confronted daily: less energy, difficulty getting up from sitting or kneeling positions, dwindling number of cloths that can be comfortably worn, and worst of all, dismay at what I see in the mirror.

There are a number of contributing factors to this portly state of mine: age, a very sedentary life style, and a fondness for food and wine. I cannot do anything about my age, however, if I can find the necessary discipline, regular walks can become a part of my daily routine. But the most important change will have to be about my attitude toward food.

Currently, food and wine are one of my few remaining physical pleasures. Lunch provides a comfortable respite from my daily routine as does “cocktail Hour” and cooking (with a glass of wine nearby). But more than anything else, food and wine have become an important link to my past, my parents, my family, and the culture that have done so much to defined me. How realistic is it to think I am capable of turning away from this, or that I would even choose to do so? Perhaps a better option is to change my attitude toward aging, and learning to accept all the physical attributes of my age.

NOTES FROM THE 8TH DECADE #14

WHAT DO I WANT TO BE WHEN I GROW UP?

8-13

 

Fifty-five years ago I decided I wanted to be a physician, and spent the next 16 years pursuing that goal. Thirty-five years ago everything changed, and after five years of turmoil I knew I wanted to be an artist as much as I did a physician. Without reservation I followed the path I cleared for myself with commitment and enthusiasm.

So, at age 70, I was caught off guard when once more things began to change, and clouds of doubt and uncertainty rolled in, obscuring that once clearly defined path. It was the beginning of a transition that, four years later, is still in progress.

The question is not what does the future hold for me, but what do I want from the remaining years? 

I am gradually developing a clearer sense of what I want for myself, and what I would like to accomplish. This recent journal entry describes still another change, this one related more to my attitude to my work and my age than anything else.

“2013 is the year that dispelled all the self-imposed age related restraints I had been laboring under in recent years. The key word here is “self-imposed”. My body has its own set of restraints that cannot be denied, but they have no place in this narrative.

I had foolishly convinced myself that my best work was behind me, and that there was no longer a place in my life for grand, sweeping aspirations and goals, and that my work would now be slow, deliberate, and a lot less ambitious. (Picture a tired old fart sitting in his studio ever so slowly working at an easel.)  I was that close to putting myself out to pasture.

Then came the Paducah Portfolio, After working for months on large canvases in 2012 for a gallery show in which nothing sold, I reacted by focusing all my efforts on smaller drawings and paintings, and the Paducah Portfolio was conceived.  With few exceptions, I devoted the entire year to the project, and in the process wiped out all of my nonsensical notions about age and work. It is impossible to overstate how significant this has been for me. I am facing 2014 with a head filled with ideas of things I want to do, which I will approach with the attitude that I will liver forever.

I have no recourse but to trust Rilke’s admonition that I will “…live into the answers”.