April 2009
Last night listening to folk
music from the early 60’s I was immediately transported back to my college
years (1957-1961) and how time has transformed my psyche. The phrase, the heaviness of years, came immediately
to mind and has been with me ever since. And, as I am inclined to do, I began
exploring this idea in my journal. I thought about how age tends to diminish
ambitions, aspirations, and willingness to take risks, and encourages distrust
and suspicion of anything new. And if that’s not enough, it promotes a growing
reliance on daily routine, confusion over an evolving youth culture, and
uncertainty over the extent of our personal future. How depressing!
But even as I was writing this
bleak scenario of aging, which carries a modicum of truth, I realized it was
only one side of the coin; there is an equally compelling argument to make for
the benefit of age. The weight of the years is well balanced.
The uncertainty of the future - I
have difficulty dealing with the loss of the “some days” of my youth. As a
younger man I could cling to the notion that someday my dreams would come true,
and my goals achieved. The future was limitless. At some point in my mid 60s
that began to change, the future was narrowing and the “some days” began to
diminish. Disastrous? Perhaps, but there is another way to look at this. With a
diminishing and uncertain future, one is forced to focus on the present. For
someone who tends to spend too much time thinking about the tomorrows, this is
a positive step. With each birthday I move one year closer to learning to live
in and appreciate my “todays". In the end, it is the journey, and not the
destination that matters.
Following the dream and taking
risks - I know something about this. At age 39 I decided to leave my medical
practice and work part time in an emergency room so I could pursue a career in
art (I had no formal training). At age 53 I opened a medical practice in a
converted barn on our farm, and at age 62 moved 950 miles away from family and
friends to Paducah Kentucky to sign up for their artist relocation program. I
made each of these decisions, and many others, without fear or trepidation
because I was confident that they were the steps intended for me. I knew that
as much as one can know something.
But now, six years later, when I
think about these moves I wonder, could I do that today? Does our spirit
respond to age the way our bones and joints do? Does it tend to get a little
slow and more inclined to remain comfortable and secure rather than jump ahead
into the unknown? Those decisions were made with the security of the “some
days” to fall back on if needed, “some days” that become more elusive with the
passing years.
Although taking risks to pursue
dreams become more difficult and perhaps more stressful, the years provide us
with a new resource…experience. And if we pay attention it’s possible to
convert that to wisdom. Together they can help guide us through the transitions
and changes faced in these later years. We are better equipped to assess risks
and have a more realistic notion of the consequences of our actions. Perhaps my
spirit and my personal aspirations have been buffered a bit by the years, but
they remain intact, and I pursue them a bit slower, with deliberation and
determination that these same years have provided.
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