HAPPINESS & WORK

 From time to time someone will ask me if I am happy.  The easy answer of course is yes. Saying no would require an explanation that no one would be interest in hearing.

When everything is going well in my world, I usually don’t think of myself as “happy”; it is too general a word to convey what is important to me.  In fact no single word or term serves that purpose.  Some that come close are: engagement, purpose, & meaning. And of these, engagement works the best.  However, when things go south, and I am angry, discouraged, or depressed, I readily describe myself as unhappy, rather than “un-engaged”.  Go Figure.

Try to create this image in your mind.  Imagine a sailboat on a very windy day - its sails billowed taunt with wind, and the keel buried deep in the water - as it moves swiftly across the surface, harnessing the forces of nature. All the elements are working, and the boat is engaged in doing what it is meant to do.

This is what I strive for, to be engaged in doing the work I am meant to do, work that gives me a sense of contentment, as well as purpose and meaning.  So isn’t that happiness?  Perhaps, but I avoid that description because engagement doesn’t necessarily mean serenity, joy, and peace of mind.   This work is often accompanied by anxiety, stress, and a roller coaster of emotional states, from elation to despair.

Let me define what I mean by “work”, a word I use frequently to describe, in a broad sense, what we do to give our lives meaning and purpose.  It is work that we feel called to do. It chooses us; we don’t choose it.  This is the work that replenishes the energy it consumes, work that may leave us exhausted, but with a sense of satisfaction and fulfillment.  In my years of medicine, creating art, and writing, I have been engaged in this good work.  In each of these endeavors I have experienced the fullest range of emotions, from extreme despair to joy and satisfaction, and I remain grateful for the experience.

OH SO BUSY

 

To a casual observer I may appear to have an ideal life.  Free of any nine to five commitments I can design my own day, and I have a wonderful studio where I can paint, write, and nap, all at my own pace.  Admittedly it does appear to be somewhat ideal, but appearances can be deceptive, and sadly my life is far from ideal.  In spite of my usual rosy, upbeat outlook on life, I suffer from several quietly debilitating maladies.

Perhaps the worst of them is a severe and unrelenting case of the Protestant Work Ethic, rather ironic given my secular upbringing.  Retirement is impossible when one feels the constant need to be productive, either actively doing or mentally planning something.  Doing neither, which would be a total waste of time, results in anxiety and/or guilt.

Unfortunately I also am afflicted with an equally severe case of “Procrastinationism”.  I am a wizard at creating excuses to avoid doing what I know I must do, and eventually will do.  This directly conflicts with the Protestant Work Ethic, and creates havoc with my state of mind.

 And there is more; at some point in my life I acquired the unavoidable habit of rumination, also referred to as contemplation, musing, and pondering.  I spend endless hours in quiet introspection, reading, journaling, and occasionally thinking about why I’m not doing the work I should be doing.

These three afflictions working against one another make for a very uncomfortable mix.  It is easy for me to imagine all of the work I would like to be doing, but it is not easy doing what I think I want to do. This dilemma is best reflected in a recent studio newsletter of mine.

“You would not believe how busy I am.  I am so busy not doing all the things I have to do that there is no time for me to do them.  There are currently four works in progress, two watercolors and two acrylics, and avoiding them leaves me no time for all the other stuff I think I should be doing instead.  It is not easy juggling this workload, and honestly, I think a lesser man could not do it.

Adding to my difficulties is the writing I’ve been trying to do between the times I am not spending on the paintings.  I am overwhelmed by all that I have not written these past few weeks, and I know that it will all have to be revised once it is written.  But being the tiger that I am, I soldier on, undeterred by all of this.  I could just sit in my room all day and work in my head but that is not who I am.  I insist on going into the studio every day where I have arranged space for me to write, and not do the work there.  The key to productivity is to remain busy and avoid the deadly trap of death by contemplation - over-thinking everything I’m thinking about while I’m thinking about it.

I am what I am, and it’s not always easy.”

Just a Bump on the Road

Actually the bump was in my abdominal wall, and no, it was not a well-developed “abs” muscle (although I can understand why one would think so).  It was a rather mundane, boring umbilical hernia, probably the result of my overly strenuous working out, or less likely from my expanding abdominal girth.  In either case it was a nuisance and not a problem, until it became red, warm, and painful.  Because of my medical background I immediately recognized that this was no ordinary umbilical hernia, and that major surgical intervention was indicated.  Sensing grave danger my tigerness immediately kicked in, and my first instinct was to protect my sweet wife from undue worry about my condition, so I refrained from running to her crying in pain.  Instead I took a wooden spoon from the kitchen and sat quietly with it clamped in my mouth to help manage my reaction to the pain.  Unfortunately she saw me since I was sitting directly across from, and bless her heart she laughed at me, knowing that levity would help.  She is very considerate that way.  And like any good nurse she told the doctor what to do.   And like any good doctor, I listened to the nurse and lay on my back on our bed.  The bed was more convenient than the back yard that she suggested.  The relief was considerable, but I knew it was temporary and definitive measures were needed.  But where - Mayo Clinic, Duke, Vanderbilt?  I was searching the Internet for the leading medical centers in the repair of umbilical hernias when it dawned on me that the best surgeon I knew, Dr. Kevin Stigall was right here in Paducah.

I consulted with the good surgeon, and he explained to me what the surgery would entail. Being insightful and wise he down played the gravity of the situation and said I might be able to go home the same day of the surgery and not have to spend 3 days in the surgical ICU.  But I could see the concern in his eyes.  Clearly this was no ordinary hernia.  He checked his calendar and suggested a date; I’m sure he wanted a time when back up teams of surgeons and cardiologists would be available in case they were needed.  He did not come out and say this directly, but I could sense that was what he was thinking.

Yesterday morning we arrived at the hospital at 6 a.m. to sign in and begin the prep.  I knew I had to be strong for Patience, but I wasn’t sure I could carry it off, especially when I had to take all my cloths off and put on the gown IN FRONT OF HER. Since the top of my head is not very far from my feet the gown reached down to the floor and I looked like Yoda from Star Wars..  I did not cry when the nurse started the IV in my arm, or when Patience had to leave the room.  The nurse said she was giving me something to relax so my sobbing wouldn’t make the surgery more difficult.  The next thing I knew I awoke with this huge bandage on my belly, at least 2, maybe even 2.5 inches wide.  I was breathing fine, and my vital signs were stable; clearly I had dodged a bullet thanks to the skill of the fine Dr. Stigall.  We were back home by 4 p.m. where I would begin the long arduous recovery under my wife’s stern but loving care.  When it comes to healing I’m a tiger, and I expect to return to my usual routine by the end of the year – but it could be sooner, perhaps a week, if Patience has any say in the matter.

From TRANSITIONS a journey in words

NOW

I have been standing – waiting – waiting

Waiting to move closer to the edge

Slowly – imperceptibly – moving toward the brink

Slowly – imperceptibly – removing myself from those around me

The path wanders, my journey falters, appearing to cease

But always – always moving closer to the edge

Where I must step up to the brink and declare my faith

And the willingness to stand alone – and face the darkness

1/19/78

From my book - TRANSITIONS

I AM NO ONE HERE

I call my name

And no one hears

The song began so long ago

I heard it once

And did not know

How clear the clouded dreams

Seen only by the blinded heart

Or so it seems

Soft and gently across my soul

Outrageous winds

Continually roll

We claim the mystery that is ours

As despair retreats

Before silent tears of joyous hours

1984

WHAT ARE YOU AFRAID OF?

I’m trying to understand the exteme conservative mind, and after considerable reflection the conclusion I reach is that it is driven by a combination of fear and insecurity.  Almost all popular conservative policies and ideas have a negative connotation.  They aspire to deny or take something away from others.  They do not want women to have the right to choose in regards to abortion.  They do not want to allow gay men and women the right to marry.  They not only want to restrict welfare and food stamps, but they want to demonize and punish the recipients.  They are against the science of global warming, and they dislike unions.  They refuse to allow Muslims into our country. They are afraid, almost obsessed, of people getting something they don’t deserve.  They would rather deny help to many, so the few do not get undeserved help.  This fear renders them incapable of offering forgiveness, i.e. amnesty, so they support policies that would tear apart families and punish children, policies devoid of any compassion or caring for fellow human beings.   They are willing break up families in their eagerness to deport illegal immigrants.  One cannot avoid hearing the harshness in the voices offering policies that demean so many citizens of this country, while they benefit the wealthy and the powerful.  There is meanness to their tone and name calling, blaming the poor for being poor, and the needy for being needy. In their minds, people are poor because they are lazy, and if everyone adopted Ayn Rand’s attitude there would be no poor people.

 They not only strive to cut funding to education, but they ridicule the educated, and mock science.  Their America seems to consist only of their “base”, and their extremism eclipses any meaningful presentation or discussion of the full compliment of conservative ideas and policies.  

Together, these positions suggest a very narrow worldview that readily embraces a rigid, fundamental and authoritarian type of faith.  “Fiscal responsibility” trumps compassion.  Extreme conservatives appear to be fearful of losing something they value; wealth, position, or prestige.  At the same time, they are fearful that others may get something they do not deserve (think welfare recipients).

Liberalism’s openness to change frightens conservatives who cling to the comfort and security of the familiar.  I believe they are afraid of a new world and new ideas that takes them out of their comfort zone.  They need the security of the past, a past that has been kind to them, if not the rest of the citizenry.  And they hide their fear and insecurity behind the giant screens of, Christian fundamentalism, the evils of “big government”, and the myth of the self-made man.

Taxes have been demonized, stripped of all the civic services they allow our government to provide, because government itself is evil.  This promotes their real agenda, enhancement of the establishment and the moneyed corporations, by preventing much needed government regulations to protect us from the unscrupulous actions of too big to fail banks and industries.  (Unfortunately their “liberal” colleagues often join them, as they kiss the asses of their cash-giving supporters.)  They want a 19^th century government to serve us in the 21^st century.

This extreme thinking not only goes far beyond classic conservative thinking, it threatens our country with its “my way or no way” attitude.  Valuable conservative policies and ideas are lost amidst all the inflammatory rhetoric.  We are not a country of conservatives, or liberals.  We are a country of conservatives and liberals, and to succeed we must find a way to respectfully serve both.

Extremism, conservative or progressive is understandable, and even healthy, but only when accompanied by a willingness to compromise.

RED V. BLUE AS I SEE IT

I think this; you think that.  She sees this; he sees that.  They believe this; but you believe that.  We think, see, and believe in such contradictory manners that our country seems to be severely fractured along cultural, political, and religious lines.  What accounts for such conflicting opinions among people with seemingly similar backgrounds and educational levels?  Nature, nurturing, and experience seem to share a role in how we establish our opinions as adults. 

Someone raised in a family with strongly held beliefs, liberal or conservative, is more likely than not to share those beliefs as an adult.

Then there is our DNA.  We are born with certain basic “mind sets” or psychological profiles that play a role in determining our worldview.  Introversion and extroversion are probably the most well known examples of this.  (And there are many more?)  I would like to propose two polar mindsets that are at work here: fear and insecurity opposed by hope and trust.

These are traits buried deep within our psyche where they quietly exert their influence on us.  They are not feelings or concerns that we are consciously aware of in our daily lives, yet they determine many of our life choices.  I find it helpful to look at many of our contemporary social and political conflicts within this framework.  I have listed in separate categories, but they all share these fundamental differences.

Absolute v Contradiction & Relativity

Fear and insecurity can be relieved by beliefs in absolute, infallible truths that cannot and should not be questioned.  They provide the comfort and security of a foundation that erases conflict, doubt, and contradiction.  The appropriate authority provides the answers to any question.  The authority can be a father, a man of the cloth, a sacred text, or a political prescription that points the way.

This is in contrast to those who are suspicious of authority and continually question it’s edicts.  They prefer to explore endless options in an attempt to gain insight and understanding.  They see gray instead of black and white, and are more likely to recognize nuances that preclude simple answers.

Simplicity v complexity

Some see the answer to current social and economic problems in very simple terms, and have no need to get involved in issues and notions that only complicate matters. 

Opposing them are those that want to expand the search for answers to questions they believe demand more than a simplistic response.  As is so often the case, each extreme shares part of the truth, but sadly they cannot see it, or they refuse to see it. 

The individual v Community

Here the virtues and desires of the rugged individual come face to face with the need to coexist with a growing and diverse community.  Our liberties as individuals, more than ever before, have to be weighed against our responsibilities to the community and the common good.  The 21^st century bears little resemblance to its predecessors, and some of the liberties of the frontiersman are no longer practical today.  This polarization can be seen in conflicting views of the roles of government and major corporations, states rights, and how the Supreme Court interprets the constitution.

The Past v the Future

History offers us facts, describing events, recording dates, and documenting people and cultures.  It also provides us with fodder for myths, and the opportunity to remember times that were never quite like we remember them.  The “good old days” were not so good for some, and outright bad of others.  Whatever was in the past was in a country and society that no longer exists.  There are valuable lessons to be learned from history, but some feel more attention should focused on what lies ahead.  The world is rapidly changing; bringing us problems we have never faced before, problems that past experience alone cannot resolve.  America in the 21^st century bears little resemblance to 18^th century America. Change can be frightening.  There is comfort and security in the familiar, even if the familiar is associated with some unpleasantness.   For some, it is easier to deal with the known than face the unknown.  To be open to change, and to embrace new ideas and new ways of interpreting the world, requires trust and confidence, and a willingness to take risks.  It leans heavily on a strong sense of hope and optimism.

I have described these traits in a broad and general manner to make a point.  In fact they are not so clearly defined, and many individuals share some from both ends of the pole.  And I make no judgment regarding them.  My point, no, my passion, is the need for us to see the middle and to be willing to listen to one another and be willing to compromise.  We cannot succeed as a democracy without it.