NOTES FROM THE 8TH DECADE #18

MEMORIES - THE THREAD OF LIFE

February 2014

The past is not something we can leave behind. Even when we think we have, our memories, those remembered and those not, remain tucked away in the attics of our mind. Some are buried deeply in boxes never opened and covered with years of dust, and others are strewn about, easily retrievable on demand. Then there are the special ones, carefully kept in gilded, ornate boxes that we lovingly open from time to time, and finally there are those well-worn memories that we hold close to us and keep by our bedside as a constant companion. Remembered or not, these snippets from our lives are always with us. Memories create threads running through our lives, weaving a fabric of continuity and meaning that help us navigate the future. If our lives were books, memories would be the table of contents, directing us to a particular place and time.

It seems to be universal, the older we get the more we want to remember our past, and the events and circumstances that helped create who we are.  They become increasingly important, and we cherish them, albeit selectively.  Psychologists remind us that our memories are filtered by time, and cannot be taken as literal historic truths. Filtered or selective, their importance to understanding our selves cannot be denied, and they remain a vital part of the journey.

It was only after I reached adulthood that I realized how fortunate I was to have the parents and family that I did, and as a result, with very few exceptions, I have only good memories. Not everyone has been so fortunate, and I wonder how people deal with the pain and sorrow of bad memories as they make their way in life. Can they coexist with happiness and better circumstances, or do they have to be repressed and forgotten. 

Memories help us understand who we are, by showing us where we have been, revealing how the person we are has unfolded from what we were. They enable us to see the past with the wisdom of gathered years, often revising our impressions and allowing us to see what we may have missed the first time around.

I cherish my memories, holding them fast and close to me, even more as the years accumulate (something they inevitably do). I’m aware that the very old seem to go back into time, reliving the distant past. That gives me comfort; I look forward to pulling up long forgotten stories.

NOTES FROM THE 8TH DECADE #17 What a difference a year makes

What a Difference a Year Makes

2013 is the year that dispelled all the self-imposed age related restraints I had been laboring under in recent years.  The key word here is “self-imposed”, because my body has its own set of restraints that cannot be denied.  But they have no place in this narrative.

I had foolishly convinced myself that my best work was behind me, and there was no longer a place in my life for grand, sweeping aspirations and goals. My work would now be slow, deliberate, and a lot less ambitious.  (Picture a tired old fart sitting in his studio ever so slowly working at an easel.)  I was that close to putting myself out to pasture.

Then came the Paducah Portfolio, After working for months on large canvases in 2012 for a gallery show in which nothing sold, I reacted by focusing all my efforts on smaller drawings and paintings, and the Paducah Portfolio was conceived.  With few exceptions, I devoted the entire year to the project, and in the process wiped out all of my nonsensical notions about age and work.  It is impossible to overstate how significant this has been for me.

I am facing 2014 with a head filled with ideas of things I want to do, which I will approach with the attitude that I will live forever.

NOTES FROM THE 8TH DECADE #16

ALONE WITH MYSELF  

2013

Interesting things have been happening to me over the past four or five years, some of them physical, but many of them not. The subjective changes share a common theme – moving inward in my search for meaning and direction in these later years.

With each year, a bit of the world around me seems to melt away, leaving me increasingly alone, but not in an unpleasant way. I have become less involved in neighborhood and community affairs, preferring the solitude of my studio and study. My focus now is more on moving inward. I spend as much time looking back as I do looking ahead, trying to understand what I have accomplished and, the people I have encountered, wondering how it all fits into this later stage of my life. I am convinced that there is a common thread running through all of our years, and perhaps understanding that can be a helpful guide in navigating the future.”

This morning the word “isolated” best describes how I feel. Age, location, and circumstances contribute to this, but mostly it is the result of my desire to move inward. There is comfort in considering this as one more period of transition in a life of transitions, leading to an eventual resting place for my soul.

I continue to enjoy sharing food and wine (should read – pasta and wine) with our friends, although with Patience working full time we cannot entertain as often as we would like. I prefer the intimacy of smaller gatherings of friends and acquaintances to larger social functions. At this halfway point I can safely say the eighth decade continues to be full of surprises with its unanticipated changes. I can only wonder, what’s coming next?

OPEN V. CLOSED

Building a wall around our country, either physical or through government action can only occur if you build one around your mind and your heart. Both are the result of deeply rooted fear and insecurity, and an unwillingness to face the inevitability of change.

For several days the notion of opened and closed minds and hearts has been intruding into my thoughts. To be open minded is to be receptive to arguments and ideas that may conflict with your own, whether on not you agree or embrace them. It allows one to enter into unfamiliar territories and circumstances without knowing all that lies ahead. It implies a willingness to accept a certain measure of risk.

Parallel to the open mind is an open heart, a concept that may be more difficult to define. Matters of the heart include love, compassion, and empathy, all of which are offered universally and without conditions and unrestrained by technical and/or legal issues.

Opposing the open mind and heart would be the closed, and/or restrictive mind and heart, easily dampened by fear and insecurity, conscious or otherwise. These fears include the fear of change and confronting the unfamiliar, and the fear of loss of identity and place in the world order. For some there is a deep concern for what they perceive as a social and/or legal injustice and unfairness.

Writing this, two questions quickly come to mind. Do we, as individuals, have much choice in these matters, or are they “psychological types” that are given to us by DNA and family nurturing? And am I demonstrating my own prejudices by the way in which I have presented this material?