Standing on their Shoulders

They had little to give but themselves, which they gave freely and abundantly.  Josephine, who never knew her father, at age eleven had to leave her home, quit school, and move into an apartment with three older brothers to assume all household duties.  Spartaco, known to all as Duke, lost his mother when he was eight years old. The youngest of four brothers, he left school after the eighth grade to work on the family farm, while his brothers and 3 older sisters completed high school and college or business school.  Life on the small farm for my parents was defined by unrelenting hard work, financial insecurity, and more than their share of  personal disappointments and illnesses.  Comfort and happiness were found in their large, extended family and friends.

It took forty years of living for me to fully appreciate all that these two remarkable people have given to me.

I am 76 years old, and not a day goes by that I don’t think of my parents.  (My mother died in December, 1991, and my father in the autumn of 1995.)  I don’t know if this is unusual for someone my age, if it is because I was an only child, or if it’s because I am such a sentimental softy.  I suspect the real reason is because they were remarkable people, and that they gave me so much.  Ironically, in spite of all the writing that I do, writing about them is very difficult for me because I’m afraid I will not do them the justice they deserve.

But I believe that I am the person I am because of my parents. Whatever I have accomplished of worth, and may yet accomplish, is the result of the gifts given to me by my family. 

The greatest of these gifts was a sense of self worth and self-esteem, which have allowed me to choose some of the difficult paths I have followed in my life.  I believe there is no greater gift parents can give to their children than a strong sense of their own self worth.

My parents taught me about love; they taught me about tolerance and forgiveness, and they taught me about humility.  They showed me that a person of worth treats everyone with the same respect and warmth, and that behavior toward others is determined by their humanity and not by their social position or importance.

They never spoke about these beliefs; they simply lived them because that is who they were.  Pretention was foreign to them.

I believe my life is a reflection of these two remarkable people, and I want it to be worthy of them.  My greatest responsibilities have been to live a life honoring their gifts and to pass these gifts on to my children and loved ones. 

After 76 years I’m still standing on their shoulders.

THE SIMPLE LIFE Excerpts from Volume III of the TRILOGY

THE SIMPLE LIFE 

The simple life begins in the heart. It is lived from the inside out and casts its light on the world about us. It cannot be any other way. It is a state of mind that focuses on the important matters of our lives, helping us to avoid the clutter of external influences and distractions. The simple life requires a strong sense of self to prevent others, as well as possessions and social status, from defining whom we are.

In 2008 I took my first trip to Italy, and fell in love with the Italian countryside and the small villages and cities clinging, almost desperately, to the sides of mountains and hills. The one word reverberating in my mind for the entire trip was “simplicity”, reinforcing the attitude that had been building within me over the past year. 

Life appeared to be simple in these small villages where the outward needs of the people seemed to be minimal, at least in terms of housing, cars, and other life accessories that Americans deem necessary. They knew how to enjoy life, and throughout the country, in cities and towns of all sizes, their love of food wine, family, and companionship was obvious. I was deeply impressed by this and wondered how I could incorporate this experience into my quest for a simpler life here in Paducah. Slowly, I came to realize that finding enjoyment and pleasure in daily routine activities is essential for the simple life. It means being grateful for the gifts we have: our health, a home, a loving family, friends, and the endless bounties that so many people can only dream about. 

The simple life comes from simple pleasures.

THE GIFTS OF RESPECT, TRUST, AND UNDERSTANDING

From the small book of GIFTS - Volume II of the Trilogy

 

It was an A-ha moment that I still remember some 35 years later. My oldest daughter was 13 years old when it hit me like a slap on the head: parents can do and say all the right things and still not have total control over their child’s destiny. I believe this is one of the most difficult aspects of parenting, understanding and accepting the fact that we never have complete control. There are many elements in our children’s lives that are beyond our reach. Failing to acknowledge this, and the excessive imposition of parental will and control can be just as harmful as neglecting parental responsibilities. Wise parents know when to step back and show trust in their child, when to allow them to make healthy mistakes, and when to accept their decisions - never easy calls to make.

My parents trusted me. They set boundaries and made it clear what was expected of me, but at the same time gave me room to make my own decisions, both good and bad. They never discouraged me from pursuing some project or diminished my ideas. I was never expected to take over the family farm; it was an unspoken given that I would go to college to prepare for a career of my own choice. They did not push me into one direction or another. My first choice was pharmacy, no doubt influenced by my years of working in our local pharmacy. After one year in pharmacy school I decided my future was in medicine, and my parents accepted that, despite the hardships it would create for them. I knew they were proud of me. They had accomplished what so many of their generation tried to do, to see that their children had a better life than they did. I can only imagine what they thought when I told them that I wanted to pursue art, not as a hobby, but as a career to be shared with medicine. The only thing they asked was if I sure this is what I wanted to do”. Any disappoint they may have felt was kept to themselves, and they offered me nothing but encouragement. My parents never failed to respect my decisions.

Respecting and accepting choices of those we love and care about, especially when they are different from, or in opposition to our own, is often difficult to do. But doing so is a testament to our love.

Respecting views and beliefs that are contradictory to our own is vital to the well being of our society. It is a gift that is ours to give.

An excerpt from TRANSITIONS

TRANSITIONS, VOLUME I OF THE TRILOGY

Words are the tools we use to give form and substance to our lives.  They help us understand our stories by allowing us to confront, question, and ponder.  With words we can invite others into our world.

Sometimes the words are given to us, erupting from our subconscious un-announced, as precious gifts from the soul.  Other times we must do the work, struggling to find the words we need.  The words in this book are a mixture of both; many were “given to me”, while others required work.

As I am writing this introduction it occurs to me that perhaps even those words we must work for, are, in the end, also gifts.

I AM NO ONE HERE

I call my name

And no one hears

The song began so long ago

I heard it once

And did not know

How clear the clouded dreams

Seen only by the blinded heart

Or so it seems

Soft and gently across my soul

Outrageous winds

Continually roll

We claim the mystery that is ours

As despair retreats

Before silent tears of joyous hours

1984

A SENSE OF PURPOSE

          

 

For the first 35 years of my life I gave very little thought to what might be considered a purpose or meaning to my life - I simply lived through the years day by day.  The only major decisions made were my choice of medicine as a career, and getting married after my second year of medical school.  Everything else just seemed to follow, including three wonderful daughters.  It was only after I reached my mid thirties, facing a crisis of sorts in my professional and spiritual life that I really became aware of who and what I was, and what my life was meant to be.  In many ways, my real life, my inner life, began at that time.

So much has transpired and evolved since then, including my own sense of purpose and meaning, and the ways I have chosen to live my life, but a few things have remained constant, and continually re-affirmed over the years.

Everything that I am and all I have accomplished, I owe to my parents.  Through their own lives, as simple as they may have appeared, they gave me the direction and attitude to become the person I was intended to be.  The longer I live, the more I appreciate them, and their gifts to me. 

One enduring sense of purpose I have is to honor my mother and father by becoming everything that I feel called to be: a husband, a friend, a father, a physician, and an artist, and to do so to the best extent possible.

Of all that has been given to me, the most precious has been my sense of self-esteem, and self worth.  I’m not sure when I first became conscious of this, but the older I become and the more contact I have with others, the more I realize just how critical this has been to me.  I grew up knowing I was loved and appreciated, feeling very secure and good about the person that I was.  When people feel good about themselves, they expect good things from themselves.

Another very enduring sense of purpose has been my determination to pass on to my children this same gift of self-esteem and self worth.   I want them to have the advantages that were given to me.  I once thought that when they left college and struck out on their own there was little more for me to do for them...but I’ve since realized that was not true.  The task of nurturing their souls is one I will claim for as long as I live, and hopefully even beyond that.

from the journal, 12-4-01

A THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

 Why bother with the struggle of self-recognition?

Why risk an encounter with the unknown?

Why probe into the darkness?

Why seek new truths at the expense of the familiar and comfortable ones?

A Thought For the Day

The most difficult aspect of not believing in some divine judgment of our behavior is that evil goes unpunished.  Goodness shares a bench with evil, each existing for its own sake, and that is hard to accept.

BE PATIENT WITH THE IMPORTANT THINGS IN YOUR LIFE

From HAVE I TOLD YOU TODAY THAT I LOVE YOU

 Learn to trust the inner “timer” that will guide you through paths and transitions even before you become aware of them.  Some things need time to gestate, to grow and mature before coming into being; these may be ideas, plans, projects, or whatever.  Pamper and nurture them. Do not give up on something that is not as immediate as you think it should be.  A more patient part of you may recognize that the time and circumstances are not yet right.  Worthwhile ideas and plans will not abandon you.  Those that do fade away were not meant to be.

The same is true for the doubts and questions that always seem to find their way into our minds, sometimes in astounding abundance.  Rilke said it best when he wrote, “have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language. Don’t search for the answers, which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them.  And the point is, to live everything.  Live the question now.  Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer.” *

A THOUGHT FOR THE DAY ABOUT THE ACCUMULATION OF YEARS

Is life about becoming the person we are?  Or perhaps the person we choose to be, or should be.  Which ever it is, it is an ongoing experience, evolving, and hopefully growing and maturing, and not remaining stagnant and stale.  If my life has been a series of “becomings”, at this age, what more can I become?

We are old when the past becomes more important to us than the future. 

NOTES FROM A JOURNAL Regarding God

The man or woman who is truly aware of God’s presence in their life does not need a text of religious doctrine to tell them how to live.  Nor do they need a book of rules and regulations to tell them what is right or wrong, or who is ‘good’ and who is ‘bad’.  They will speak and act in a manner that lifts others up, shinning a light on them, and not judging,demeaning and demonizing them.

Those men and women “of God”, who stand on the pulpits for their own creation and condemn all who do not believe as they do,,  and blame the unfaithful for all of the world’s problems are usually small, ineffectual people who use religious trappings to combat their own insecurity and fulfill their need for control and power.  

The gift of faith is a humbling experience.

A THOUGHT FOR THE DAY from Have I Told You Today That I Love You

Be proud of your accomplishments and humbled by what has been given to you.

Do not take credit for God’s grace

A FUTURE BEYOND IMAGINATION

From the time I had the mental capacity to do so I could always imagine my future.  I could see myself in medical school or imagine what my lfe would be like as an intern and resident.  I imagined my first medical practice years before It came to be, and when Patience and I decided to move to the country my mind was filled with notions and images of country living.  I was living in Paducah months before I was living in Paducah.  What ever it was to be, I could envision the next chapter in my life or the next stage of the journey…until now.

Over the past several years the future has been quietly slipping away from me.  I can no longer clearly imagine what I want, or what I expect the future holds for me.  For the first time I have no long term plan to lean on beyond my current studio projects.  It has occurred to me that my future is in the canvas on the easel or the watercolor in progress on my drawing table,  or perhaps the essay on ageing that I have been struggling with for the past several months.  I will occasionally get caught up in a gust of enthusiasm over a new project and reclaim at least some vision of what may lie ahead for me, but it is never sustainable.  I’m being forced to do something I have never been able to do very well…live in the moment.

It is all a bit disconcerting.

HAVE I TOLD YOU TODAY THAT I LOVE YOU

 

"Do not be afraid!  If there would be one lesson for you to learn now it should be this...do not be afraid of who and what you are, and what you are called to become. Trust your dreams, your aspirations, and your imagination, for these are of yourself, and that alone makes them worthy of unwavering trust.  Do not allow others to determine the paths you will follow. Don’t be afraid of change, remember, it is your world."

THE POWER OF MUSIC

Today's post is from a work in progress, exploring "what I have learned" in my 76 years.

Music has the power to transport us to a different place, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually.  Sometimes it is the lyrics and/or story, and other times the melody or the voice that can take us back in time, inciting vivid memories of people, places, and events.  We are pulled into the world of the heart and soul and lifted above life’s daily fray.  I find comfort, inspiration, and encouragement when I allow the music to enter deep within me.

Music can transform loneliness into solitude, grief into sweet sadness, and hopelessness and despair into resolve and determination.  It can evoke sad, and joyful memories, and has the potential to touch the entire range of our emotions. I like to hear Pavarotti’s voice fill the room when I’m working in the studio or cooking pasta, even though I have no idea what he is saying.  Not only is he a silent (or not so silent) link to my mother who loved his music, but there are times when the sound of his voice seems to belong with my work.

I know nothing about the craft of music and cannot discern or appreciate all the variations and nuances that transform noise into music.  My taste is very eclectic, determined entirely by the emotional response it evokes in me.  It is not unusual for me to be totally clueless regarding the lyrics in a song that I like, but this does not prevent me from enjoying the music and creating my own.

I have learned the value of taking the time to sit in the stillness of my room and allow the music to work its magic on my soul.

A THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

The Soul, that delightful, magical mystery that is each of us.

A silent awesome temple for God, yet also a playground for elves and a stage for minstrels and jesters.

That center within us where we meet God and receive His spirit,

That center from which we reach out and touch the world,

All that becomes us flows into the Soul, and from there it flows outward, to be shared with others.

(from a journal 1977)

A THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

The journey inward is not a call to self-absorption and narcissism, but a preparation for the journey outward.

About Love...from Have I Told You Today That I Love You

Love between a man and a woman is an illogical, irrational phenomenon that is far beyond my ability to describe or explain: it is hard work.

Falling in love can be quite easy; maintaining that love demands our time and energies

A THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

"Ask yourself, what kind of world do you want for yourself, your family, and those you love, and then set out to create that world."

REGARDING CREATIVITY

 Creativity requires that we be engaged in our world, remaining open and sensitive to our environment.  For it is here, in our world (the interior world of our imagination and the external world around us), regardless of how restrictive it may be, that the encounter occurs.  The nature of the response to the encounter is closely related to the nature of the being.  The intensity and commitment to this encounter varies, and is capable of being nurtured and developed. It is the artist’s responsibility to embrace and nurture these encounters.

Creativity is bathed in tension arising from the dichotomy between the subject and the object as well as the self-doubts, anxieties, and limits of the artist.

THINKING OUT LOUD

I hate redundancy. I really do.

A THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

 I have been giving a great deal of thought on how to stop my incessant ruminating about   everything.  

A MEANINGFUL LIFE

Several days ago a NYT op-ed columnist wrote about the definition of a meaningful life.  Having been a reader of his column for many years, I was not surprised that David Brooks stressed community involvement and service as keys to achieving a sense of meaning, linking them to an adherence to a moral system, secular or religious.  He went on to say that meaningfulness is based totally on emotion and sentiment, and therefore cannot be defined.  As expected, the comments to the column offered a wide range of alternative opinions on the matter.

My reaction to the column was immediate; Brooks was dismissive of anything that cannot be confined within a set of prescribed and objective moral systems, showing little to no respect for the authenticity of the subjective individual human spirit.  There is no universal definition of what defines a meaningful life.  Everyone is capable of determining for them selves what gives their life meaning and purpose, and it may have nothing to do with any moral system or community involvement.  Serving others, or taking on the burden of a charitable cause may be the defining purpose for some, while others my find their meaning elsewhere: family, work, faith, art, literature, or almost anything one can think of. 

I have no idea how many people feel they are living a meaningful or purposeful life. Or for that matter, how many even think about the question.  I suspect that most people, at one time or another, think about their lives in these terms.  My work, medicine and art, have defined my life, giving it meaning and purpose.  I cannot imagine living any other way. 

A THOUGHT FOR TONIGHT

Don't lose sleep over a little bit of insomnia.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

Believing in something may make it a personal truth for the believer, but not a universal truth. Some people lose sight of the fact that faith is personal; it takes us where evidence cannot.  It is wrong to subjugate others to your belief system.  Belief in a supreme being is a CHOICE for all of us to make or reject, a choice that does not reflect on the moral character or worth of the individual.

MAKING A DIFFERENCE

Is it naive to think that as individuals we can make a difference in this immense world in which we live?  I don’t think so; it may be infinitesimally small, but we touch the world when we touch one another.  Every day, with every encounter with someone we have the opportunity to make a difference.  The smallest act, the briefest encounter, carries with it limitless, and un-imaginable potential to reach far beyond its simple beginning.  We make the world better or worse, by the way we interact with the people around us.

There are the obvious acts of kindness we provide, extending a helping hand, and offering support and friendship in time of need.  This can be done anonymously from a distance, or intimately with personal intensity, depending on the circumstances.  As important as these acts are, they are episodic, and generated by specific needs.  We can do more.

We can shine a light on others; lifting them up and making them feel good about themselves.  We do this by listening, by supporting and encouraging, and by being honest and not posturing or trying to impress.  Love and respect should be the foundation of all interactions, modified of course by personal history, a love that leads us to try to understand and accept people for who and what they are, as well as encourage them to achieve their own self hood.

There are those whose behavior casts a shadow of darkness over others: naysayers who predict failure and can only see the downside of anything - complainers, whose only concern is their own problems, and are delighted to share them with anyone who will listen – belittlers who need to mock others in order to feel good about themselves – converters who need to convince others that they must see things as they do, and the actors, whose main concern is to impress others.

A dear friend, Hal Owens, a retired Methodist minister, has coined the terms “star people” and “shadow people” to describe this behavior.  Each of us can make the world a better place if we maximize our star behavior and minimize the shadows we cast.

A THOUGHT FOR TODAY

Religions that categorize individuals based on their beliefs ARE divisive, harmful, and potentially dangerous. Love is inclusive.

A THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

The most difficult aspect of not believing in some divine judgment of our behavior is that evil goes unpunished.  Goodness shares a bench with evil, each existing for its own sake, and that is hard to accept.