THE GIFTS OF RESPECT, TRUST, AND UNDERSTANDING

From the small book of GIFTS - Volume II of the Trilogy

 

It was an A-ha moment that I still remember some 35 years later. My oldest daughter was 13 years old when it hit me like a slap on the head: parents can do and say all the right things and still not have total control over their child’s destiny. I believe this is one of the most difficult aspects of parenting, understanding and accepting the fact that we never have complete control. There are many elements in our children’s lives that are beyond our reach. Failing to acknowledge this, and the excessive imposition of parental will and control can be just as harmful as neglecting parental responsibilities. Wise parents know when to step back and show trust in their child, when to allow them to make healthy mistakes, and when to accept their decisions - never easy calls to make.

My parents trusted me. They set boundaries and made it clear what was expected of me, but at the same time gave me room to make my own decisions, both good and bad. They never discouraged me from pursuing some project or diminished my ideas. I was never expected to take over the family farm; it was an unspoken given that I would go to college to prepare for a career of my own choice. They did not push me into one direction or another. My first choice was pharmacy, no doubt influenced by my years of working in our local pharmacy. After one year in pharmacy school I decided my future was in medicine, and my parents accepted that, despite the hardships it would create for them. I knew they were proud of me. They had accomplished what so many of their generation tried to do, to see that their children had a better life than they did. I can only imagine what they thought when I told them that I wanted to pursue art, not as a hobby, but as a career to be shared with medicine. The only thing they asked was if I sure this is what I wanted to do”. Any disappoint they may have felt was kept to themselves, and they offered me nothing but encouragement. My parents never failed to respect my decisions.

Respecting and accepting choices of those we love and care about, especially when they are different from, or in opposition to our own, is often difficult to do. But doing so is a testament to our love.

Respecting views and beliefs that are contradictory to our own is vital to the well being of our society. It is a gift that is ours to give.

An excerpt from TRANSITIONS

TRANSITIONS, VOLUME I OF THE TRILOGY

Words are the tools we use to give form and substance to our lives.  They help us understand our stories by allowing us to confront, question, and ponder.  With words we can invite others into our world.

Sometimes the words are given to us, erupting from our subconscious un-announced, as precious gifts from the soul.  Other times we must do the work, struggling to find the words we need.  The words in this book are a mixture of both; many were “given to me”, while others required work.

As I am writing this introduction it occurs to me that perhaps even those words we must work for, are, in the end, also gifts.

I AM NO ONE HERE

I call my name

And no one hears

The song began so long ago

I heard it once

And did not know

How clear the clouded dreams

Seen only by the blinded heart

Or so it seems

Soft and gently across my soul

Outrageous winds

Continually roll

We claim the mystery that is ours

As despair retreats

Before silent tears of joyous hours

1984

A SENSE OF PURPOSE

          

 

For the first 35 years of my life I gave very little thought to what might be considered a purpose or meaning to my life - I simply lived through the years day by day.  The only major decisions made were my choice of medicine as a career, and getting married after my second year of medical school.  Everything else just seemed to follow, including three wonderful daughters.  It was only after I reached my mid thirties, facing a crisis of sorts in my professional and spiritual life that I really became aware of who and what I was, and what my life was meant to be.  In many ways, my real life, my inner life, began at that time.

So much has transpired and evolved since then, including my own sense of purpose and meaning, and the ways I have chosen to live my life, but a few things have remained constant, and continually re-affirmed over the years.

Everything that I am and all I have accomplished, I owe to my parents.  Through their own lives, as simple as they may have appeared, they gave me the direction and attitude to become the person I was intended to be.  The longer I live, the more I appreciate them, and their gifts to me. 

One enduring sense of purpose I have is to honor my mother and father by becoming everything that I feel called to be: a husband, a friend, a father, a physician, and an artist, and to do so to the best extent possible.

Of all that has been given to me, the most precious has been my sense of self-esteem, and self worth.  I’m not sure when I first became conscious of this, but the older I become and the more contact I have with others, the more I realize just how critical this has been to me.  I grew up knowing I was loved and appreciated, feeling very secure and good about the person that I was.  When people feel good about themselves, they expect good things from themselves.

Another very enduring sense of purpose has been my determination to pass on to my children this same gift of self-esteem and self worth.   I want them to have the advantages that were given to me.  I once thought that when they left college and struck out on their own there was little more for me to do for them...but I’ve since realized that was not true.  The task of nurturing their souls is one I will claim for as long as I live, and hopefully even beyond that.

from the journal, 12-4-01

A THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

 Why bother with the struggle of self-recognition?

Why risk an encounter with the unknown?

Why probe into the darkness?

Why seek new truths at the expense of the familiar and comfortable ones?

A Thought For the Day

The most difficult aspect of not believing in some divine judgment of our behavior is that evil goes unpunished.  Goodness shares a bench with evil, each existing for its own sake, and that is hard to accept.

BE PATIENT WITH THE IMPORTANT THINGS IN YOUR LIFE

From HAVE I TOLD YOU TODAY THAT I LOVE YOU

 Learn to trust the inner “timer” that will guide you through paths and transitions even before you become aware of them.  Some things need time to gestate, to grow and mature before coming into being; these may be ideas, plans, projects, or whatever.  Pamper and nurture them. Do not give up on something that is not as immediate as you think it should be.  A more patient part of you may recognize that the time and circumstances are not yet right.  Worthwhile ideas and plans will not abandon you.  Those that do fade away were not meant to be.

The same is true for the doubts and questions that always seem to find their way into our minds, sometimes in astounding abundance.  Rilke said it best when he wrote, “have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language. Don’t search for the answers, which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them.  And the point is, to live everything.  Live the question now.  Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer.” *

A THOUGHT FOR THE DAY ABOUT THE ACCUMULATION OF YEARS

Is life about becoming the person we are?  Or perhaps the person we choose to be, or should be.  Which ever it is, it is an ongoing experience, evolving, and hopefully growing and maturing, and not remaining stagnant and stale.  If my life has been a series of “becomings”, at this age, what more can I become?

We are old when the past becomes more important to us than the future.